I grew up when gender roles were being tested. It became fun and attractive for women to wear men's wear and for men to have long hair and wear eyeliner; these were the 80's and 90's. It was the time when it started to become normal to have some stay-at-home moms and working moms. In fact, I grew up in a household with two working parents who believed that men and women should strive to be equal partners in life, both cooking, cleaning, taking care of the kids, working, and reaching for the goals they wanted to achieve in life. Due to their role flexibility, I remember neighbors would visit and be in awe that my dad did it all and that my mom was an executive. People would say that it was amazing that my dad could cook and that my mother had such an important role at work. As a child, I thought nothing of it but only sometimes wished I had a stay-at-home mother to bake me cookies and drive me places.
At this time, winning men were portrayed as handsome, physically strong, able to fix things, good with the women, had lots of money or a decent job. Women were supposed to be like Barbie dolls, skinny with great figures, beautiful hair, always smiling, cute, popular, fashionable, and easy-going. Fitting into these stereotypical gender roles of the '80s made most people feel intimidated so much so that most of the movies during that time are about people feeling like they don't or can't fit the mold cue "Sixteen Candles." The pressure to conform was intense.
As more women started to join the workforce, they found it impossible to play the stereotypical roles because the work environment often calls for something different. So, the start of gender role fluidity began.
Today when someone is looking for a life partner, they want it all. The person should be handsome or beautiful, very educated, make good money or willing to work towards that, strong but also emotionally vulnerable, open-minded but not too open-minded. Meeting these high expectations has left both genders but especially men, confused. Many men are confused about what it means to be male and a man.
This month, I decided to look at masculinity and how society views it, and how it is reflected through fatherhood.
I had an eye-opening conversation with Derrick David Byrant, children's entertainer, author, speaker, and fatherhood advocate. Mr. Bryant is a devoted husband, father, and entrepreneur. He is a noted fatherhood advocate and works as a fatherhood engagement coordinator with Community Action of Central Texas. Mr. Bryant has traveled the nation encouraging fathers and families. He is the author of the books, And David Danced With All His Might and My Dad Works Hard. Mr. Byrant’s company Bryant Enterprises Family Entertainment offers support groups, training, and resources to support men who want to develop their skills and knowledge as fathers.
My Interview with Derrick David Byrant
Do you feel that masculinity is in trouble today, and if so, how?
Yes, I do. I feel that it is in trouble today because of what is being put out there in the media. The themes and the music are negative. We see things on TV from music like hip hop to country, rock, glorifying selfishness, false images of masculinity, drugs, getting money, and culture. So young men and boys see a skewed idea of manhood, which translates to our society and culture. And boys grow up off target with a misconception of what masculinity is. So, I believe masculinity, in general, is in trouble.
What does it mean to be a man in 2021?
Often in our society, we tend to try to be so politically correct and try to please everybody, so we're not defining who we are. People are not accepting the gender roles that we have had since God created Adam and Eve. One thing that I feel people we can turn to is their father. Everyone has a father, whether dad was there or not. As men, we tend to want to look back and say I want to be like my dad. I don't want to be like him because he was not good, or maybe even I don't know who he is. Men look at fathers to say, tell me who I am. Where does my identity lie? Men are looking for a father to get that affirmation; when dad is not there, maybe dead, or he doesn't give it, the cycle of having these men step into manhood and adulthood when they don't even know what manhood looks like starts the problem. It's vital that as a society that we affirm, yes, it is okay to be a man, and it is okay to be a woman and follow your roles biologically.
For example, in my own house, my dad was an amazing father. Growing up, he was what I would call there, but he was physically there but emotionally absent. His dad was the same way. My grandfather was raised by a pimp on the streets of Chicago, Illinois. That was his mentor. My father didn't have those talks about security, about sex, about being a decent man. Now, my grandfather did what he needed to do. He did his best, and in turn, my father did his best. But I was looking at them to tell me who I am.
How does someone know if they are ready to be a father?
It's tough. When a man is ready to love someone more than he loves himself. I think that is a good indicator. People, in general, can be selfish.
What is healthy masculinity?
I feel a man who understands his assignment. For example, as men, we must take care of ourselves. So when we know our assignment as men, we also understand that if we love our family, we need to be around as long as possible to be the best that we can be. You want to make sure that you take care of yourself first. So, then you can turn to your neighbor, your child, your wife, your partner and help them.
We have to make sure that we're healthy, eating right, dealing with our emotions and the trauma that goes on with just being a man in general or being a father. A lot of times, we push that aside, and we push it down. We are taught real men, don't cry, real men don't deal with emotions. With healthy masculinity, we understand the need to process emotions to be the best version of me for my children, my family, and my community.
What does it mean to be a good man?
When you are a good man, you have to have a good heart, a person who takes responsibility for his actions, either positive or negative, not shifting the blame. Somebody who wants good things to happen for his family, for those and around his sphere of influence. He is intentional about what he does because when you're a good man, people are going to flock to you.
What is toxic masculinity?
Toxic masculinity is that I would say maybe traits or characteristics that are poisonous to the idea of what a man should be. Some examples could be men who date women and think they are only suitable for sex—thinking of women as sex objects. That is an erroneous line of thinking that is toxic. Thinking children should be seen and not heard or abusing your wife or kids because you feel they are your property. Drinking every night to pass out, men involved in pornography, and all of these toxic ideas. These traits, this ideas, and characteristics are poisonous to a man and those around him. Those around him could be his wife, his children, or anyone he has a relationship with. Sometimes, people watch from the outside, like the next-door neighbor who doesn't have a father. He's watching this dad who's with his family. And because he watched this father, he thinks that's how a man should be.
What do men need today to be successful?
Flexibility to rebound and get back up. To have something worth fighting for. I would challenge men. What is your why? Why are they waking up every morning to go to work? What is their motivation now? Is it to save up enough money to get this brand new car. Is it to be the best father for my children, to wake up to work so I can pay the bills so our family can survive. I would ask men to understand their why because their why will drive their passion. The why will help motivate them.
When you understand that, you will do whatever needs to be done. In my household for quite some time, my wife was making more than me for a while because of her education; she had more education than I did. She graduated with two degrees, and at that point, I had not graduated college yet. It's okay to have a wife who makes more than you, which doesn't deteriorate your manhood. It's whatever works for you and your family. You're bringing your resources; you're bringing your talents, time, and coming together to make a family. We can't let stereotypical ideas from the fifties and sixties be our ideologies today.
Do you think that masculinity and fatherhood are defined differently across racial lines?
Across racial lines, our children, no matter what they look like, need the same thing from parents. They need the same thing from their fathers. Culturally, it may look different but, our children need the same thing from their family. So, I also believe that society puts parameters and expectations of what masculinity looks like from stereotypes that are out there saying this race treats the children a certain way; this race does something different with their children. Along with masculinity and fatherhood, every race, every child needs the same thing from a father.
What key role does a father play in raising a child that is different from the mother?
A lot of times, our society downplays the roles of fathers because mothers are celebrated so much. Fathers involved in their child's life are going to do better when dealing with most societal issues. For example, children are more likely to make A's and B's in school, more likely to get A's on the standardized tests, less likely to be involved in risky behavior, and the research goes on and on. The one thing that a father does differently than a mother is he rough houses with this child, be at his toddler or young adolescent child, because that teaches security. You know, if a child takes it too far, dad is going to let them know. Inherently that shows the child limits. Dads parent differently; they tend to let their children explore more of the world and the environment around them. In comparison, mothers tend to monitor children a little bit closer.
I agree that if the dad is not in the picture, the child can turn out okay. Hopefully, the village rallies around the child, and the child will be fine. But when fathers are involved in raising a child, the child tends to reach their full potential. It is like peanut butter and jelly. It is two different things. When you put it together, it makes a beautiful sandwich.
Moms and dads have two different ways of parenting. They come together to complement one another so well.
The other challenge fathers face is the father's perceived depreciating factor, meaning that their value is not essential. I remember going to my daughter’s prenatal visits in the doctor's offices and so forth. If I walked into the doctor's office, the doctor would expect information about my daughter to come from mom. They ignore that I'm there and not engaging me in conversation tells me that I don't matter. And that mom is important. Whether fathers realize this or not, it does something to our confidence level.
As a society, how are we failing our boys?
As a society, I believe we fail our young boys by not presenting the full picture. For example, sometimes we try to hold back the truth, thinking that we're doing our child good when it's harming them—so making sure that we're presenting our young boys with a complete picture. For example, many young boys are athletic, or they have dreams of becoming professional athletes, but not everybody's going to make it to the pro level; there's a lot of work to put into that as well. So understanding, this is your goal. This is what you want to do, but here is the real picture right here. Here's what the reality says.
Ensuring that the child is balanced and ensuring that our boys are balanced is something that our society has not always done. We tend to pay attention to one area, be it music, be it sports. Our boys need to make sure that they're socially, emotionally healthy. We tell our boys to suck it up, don’t cry, and then, later on, they grow up, and they are angry. We're upset at him because the only way he can experience his emotions is through anger. Then we're penalizing these young men because society is sending mixed messages.
Another way is that we're failing our young boys is not addressing the double standards in the community. It might be okay for some people to sell drugs or alcohol or something illegal. And then the other person gets caught, and it is not okay. These double standards need to be addressed and teaching our children right from wrong and not only telling them what to do but showing them what to do
Why is it difficult being a man today?
The expectations. The bar is set so high.
What can women do to support men?
I think women can praise men a little bit more. What I mean is encouraging us as men and as fathers. Women should avoid gatekeeping. Let dad try, let us try and fail. Also, celebrate our failures. We may not parent the exact way but applaud our effort. At least we are trying.
When I was doing my daughter's hair, one of her ponytails was near her ear, or the other one was on top of her head. It was not like her mom would do it but, I tried. As long as dad is trying, allow us to try, allow us to fail because we can't get better if we're not trying. I would also say do not treat men like little boys. If you want us to do something, share it with us, you know, that will help support us. Please share with us. I think that all will help support men and for some of us into stepping in our role, because a lot of times, women may be looking for us to step into our role, but sometimes we're just waiting for women to get out of our role.
About Bryant Enterprises Family Entertainment
Bryant Enterprises Family Entertainment offers support groups, training, and resources to support men who want to develop their skills and knowledge as fathers.
About the Author
Annmarie Hylton-Schaub, Head Marketing Strategist and Content Developer at Project Good Work a boutique marketing group focused on helping individuals who want to launch social impact projects, charities, and change-making initiatives. The marketing group works to develop branding, marketing strategy, and content to connect clients with the people who believe what they believe so that their project and business can thrive.
If you have a passion for an unserved community, a social justice problem, or simply want to change minds contact Project Good Work at ProjectGood.Work to start your project of change today.